I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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