You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
