You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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