Plan B is the new Plan A
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
