I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
