She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
