Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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