I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
