Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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