Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
