So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
