if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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