If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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