i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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