I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
