So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
