please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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