chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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