This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
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at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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