Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
