Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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