he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
