You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
