My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
