i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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