I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Bring me that man meat
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
