My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
