take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
