things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
