Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We are two peas in an std pod
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
