I'm going to rape someone's good day.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
