please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
