So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
