I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
