The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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