Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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