census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
