Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
