if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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