At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
