I am spending my child support on dildos
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
