just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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