God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
