All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
