remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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