Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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