so that wasnt chicken after all
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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