You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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