I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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