I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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