Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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