you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
