Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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