Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
