I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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